I would start with something like, “I’m so proud of you…”, but I won’t. Instead I want you to realize exactly what you put me through.
The night prior to your convocation you made me sleep over. Funny, because we barely got any sleep. It might have been because I’m too tall for your bed or maybe because your farts kept me up all night. It might even be because your room is soooo I don’t even know. Who knows. But whatever, I’m over it, it isn’t the first time we had no sleep what so ever before an important day.
Then we wake up around 6 am, I want you to take a good, hard look at what I just typed. 6 fucking A…..M…. Who else would wake up at that time just for you? Yeah I thought so… but nevermind that, I’m over it.
Then you ate my McChicken, how dare you, how fucking dare you. You ate my breakfast. The whole day I ate nothing but halls candy and that thing they served they call “sandwiches”. It tasted like feet. But I’m over it, let’s go back a bit before the feet tasting sandwich. Your ceremony…
No sleep, no food, had you told me this ceremony was going to take hours, well…hmm. Anwyays, what the fuck was that lady talking about? i’m not going to lie, I listened to some of the stuff she said but what did it have to do with your convocation? Did you really pay $30,000 for your education just so a woman can tell you to “follow your dreams” on your convocation?
You think you’re fancy with your fake golden mace? Betch pleaseeeeeee.
Don’t even get me started on that latin shit. They might as well have spoken French. That was soo kkkkkkk…cust!
So to finish this off, I wouldn’t have changed anything on this day. Even when the sun was hiding behind the clouds at first and when your mom’s sandals broke. It was a perfect day to me. Why? Because I got to see one of my best of friends go walk on the podium just to received a piece of paper he paid $30,000+ for which will probably render useless later on in your life. I kid.
Philip, I couldn’t be any more prouder than I already am. I’m so jealous and envy is running through my body as I look at the picture of your degree, in a frame, on your bedroom floor.
I wish you the best of luck and may you have all the success you want in life.
Your Slutty Friend,