Certified Creep and Narcissist
Yes, it’s true, I admit it. Every time I go to the gym I check people out and I check myself out.
I always start my workout with at least 30 minutes on the tread mill. This is my warm up before I hit other machines. I always pick the treadmill that has a mirror in front of me. That way I can see everyone around me, including me. I’m a creep and very narcissistic.
I like to look at everyone, because I like to see myself in them. Very sexual, I know. But let’s stop for a minute and filter our minds for one minute. Starting from this sentence, read everything that I will write with an innocent mind.
Why do I like to look at people? Notice I said people and not guys. I like to look at everyone because I like to admire. That girl, who evidently, is over weight; I do sincerely believe that there’s nothing more beautiful than a person who is trying to improve their lifestyle. It doesn’t stop there, I see girls and boys, young and old individual who’s in the gym because of the same reason why I’m there. I realized that I want to be healthier. Looking good is just the cherry on top. I want to be able to live long enough to play with my grandchildren and teach them a thing or two. So yes, I creep everyone. Because I admire them. I also learn from them.
Not everyone can afford a personal trainer. So I try to pick up workout routines from people around me. I try what they are doing, of course I don’t stare and copy them. I try to watch them and do it on a different day. I guess that does make me a creep after all.
There’s nothing more narcissist than loving to watch yourself in the mirror for a good half hour. But know this, I’m not doing it thinking I’m so beautiful. I do it because each day that I run, each time I see sweat drop down my face, I see progress. I always look at myself and tell myself to push harder, just another step. You’ve already gone further than yesterday, keep going. I look at myself and actually get emotional at times. I try to tell the person I see that I’m doing something good for myself. I won’t try and hide the fact that I sometimes go to the gym because I’m depressed. Because I do. Working out helps me. When I feel pain in my muscle, when I am out of breath, it takes my mind off of what really hurts. Before I know it, I always leave the gym feeling much better than when I came in.
I check myself out, I look at my arms, how slowly I am beginning to see definition, how hard work pays off. I see my stomach and my legs, I’ve lost unnecessary weight and gained muscle. I like to tell myself that yes, I am beautiful, that I am good enough. I mostly stare at my eyes when I look at myself. I reflect, I reflect at all the things that has changed. How better I am. How happier I am. These are all the things I see when I check myself out.
Okay now put your dirty mind back on. Of course I check out guys and girls. I see their body and I am turned on (but it isn’t like that, it’s actually hard to get hard when you’re exhausted from working out). I look at everyone’s body and I tell myself, I was that body type, I am that body type, I will be that body type. I look around me for inspiration. I look at myself for inspiration. So yes, I, RC, am a certified creep and a narcissist.
First Date
So there’s this personal trainer at my gym. He’s Asian, straight and well, very attractive. Okay I don’t know if he is straight or not but anyways I’ll just assume he is. I don’t creep him or anything, but from time to time I see him and honestly, the 1.5 seconds my eyes land on him makes my whole work out worth it. Sad, and creepy, I know.
One day my cousin, my friend Vince, and myself wanted to find out our body fat percentage and weight and so forth. We head towards the machine and fortunately the machine was broken or somethin. We looked around for one of the staff to fix it and boom, the asian guy comes out of his office and came to help us. He was joking around saying we broke it and shit. I tried my hardest not to sound giggly. But shoot. Anyways he was taking his sweet as time fixing the machine but trust me, I was not complaining. That was practically our first date. Finally he fixed and he was kind enough to stay and actually help all of us with the machine. Punching in the numbers and information and whatevs.
This is where it gets interesting. It was my turn bitches. I answered all the questions he asked and he asks me where do I aim to be fat percentage wise. I said, well I’m at 12% right so I think I just want to maintain it. Nigga didn’t believe me. He was like “I’m 12% right now”. He was very fit and muscular, I can imagine that was true. Whilst I know I’m not fat, nor muscular, I know my BF % isn’t high, that and a previous trainer had evaluated me and told me so. Yeeee. Anywho, he still wouldn’t believe me so you know what he asks me to do..? “Lift up your shirt man”. He practically asked me to have sex with him. In my head it translated to “get naked right now and lets fuck”. Shoot.
Anyways, I was right, I am 12% BF. He can suck it. He was impressed and just told me to just focus on muscle gaining and not so much on weight loss. I think it means I don’t need to worry about cardio as much and just deal with the weights.
Anyways, in the end he introduced himself and asked all three of us what our names were. When we shook hands I literally had an orgasm and my cum dripped down my leg. Okay no, but you get my point.
When people ask me how I feel about my ex now, I never seem to give a justified answer. Because I feel as though people expect a one word answers like, happy, indebted, angry, grateful, deprived, and so on. But truth be told, I feel all of those, and I think that’s okay. It’s okay to feel more than one emotion towards someone.
I’m happy because I had seen things in my life that I never thought I’d see. I felt such love I thought only existed in movies. I’ve experienced many great, wonderful things that I’ve only heard of from stories. I’m happy because he loved me. He loved me and my family. I’m happy because he became a part of my family.
I feel indebted to him because he gave me so much. I also know that there were many days when I even asked for more. I realize that I probably had drained him out. He gave me so much yet I felt sometimes it wasn’t enough and so I asked for more. One of the things I learned was I can be emotionally exhausting.
Anger is probably one of the biggest emotion I feel towards him. I’m angry because he gave me so many good things only to take it all away. I’m angry because even when I didn’t have much to give, I still gave him everything and he just walked away with all of me. This is one of the things that made it difficult for me to move on. Because how am I suppose to rebuild myself if I had absolutely nothing to work with. My anger doesn’t stop there. I;m angry because I felt betrayed. He had the audacity to make life long plans and life long promises with me, he built me up so high just to watch me fall. He lied. He said, no, he promised that we would grow together. But now, for some reason we both believe we need to do some growing up apart. Although I do agree, I still feel I was lied to and I was betrayed. Maybe this is the main reason I know I would never get back with him. Because how to do you trust someone with your heart the second time when he just left it in the dark the first time.
Feeling grateful is another big thing. Because he broke my heart I learned to stand on my own. That’s something no one can ever take away from me. I’m grateful because breaking up with him opened up so many doors for me. It also allowed me to build new bridges with people. Something I never really had the chance when I was with him. Sigh, having a boyfriend is more than just a full time job. I’m grateful because now I have a better idea of what I want. What kind of person I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I’m grateful because I never realized I was so capable until I was forced to use my own arms and legs to get what I want. I’m grateful that he shared a year of his life with me. I think that’s more than I deserved.
Deprived. In retrospect of all the things he had given me, there was also a lot of things I lost when I was with him. I felt there were things that truly made me happy that he couldn’t give me. The simple things in life that is. The simple expectations from a relationship. I felt I was deprived a lot fo affection. Because to me, affection at home is one thing, one big thing, but it’s another to see your special someone scream and shout out to the world that he is yours and you are his. I never really knew how it feels to be with someone who would be so proud to have you that he is ready to show his family, to show the world, to show God. I’m using this as a reminder that someday I want to be with someone who would gladly say, fuck what they think, I love you and that is what’s important.
There will always be a place in my heart for him. It will be a constant reminder of the love and pain I felt. I will use these memories to be a better person. To look for a better person.
I end this entry with a line I often tell people when I can’t really give them this for an answer when they ask how I feel about him.
He was the best thing I ever had. Because I know better.
A month ago if you had asked me if I was okay I probably would have just lied and said yes. But tonight that all changed. I mean, I always knew I would be okay, I just thought it was going to be several months away. Maybe I was okay all along, but it was only today that I had realized I am.
This morning I woke up and I had one thing in mind. Get through today without showing any form of weakness. That I did. You see, since the breakup my ex and I had not seen each other. We texted and spoke on the phone briefly regarding other business than our own but nothing you would consider substantial. I knew eventually we would have to see each other and that happened today. We agreed to meet to pick up the remaining of my stuff from his place and he also had to retrieve some files from my laptop.
The anticipating was incredibly excruciating. I prepared my lines and the things I would say to him. I reminded myself the things I need not tell him and the things he, in the very least, deserved to know. Though our conversation was surprisingly natural and easy. We even shared a laugh or two here and there. Though throughout the night I was scared that my feelings would climb back up from the depths of oblivion where I had cast them away. Such feelings were non existent.
I mean, I did tell him should I see him together with a few certain individual, I would not be happy, but I think that’s just my ego and pride. Other than that, I’m glad to see he can put a smile on his face. I’m glad I can also.
I’m not saying I’m hoping we would be friends in the future, but at least I can say that I’m not completely opposed to the idea.
Cheers.
Who knows, maybe now I’m truly ready to date and meet people again. Maybe now I can really open my heart again. But trust me when I say, this time, I’m not about to just let anybody in. Like that shit I read on tumblr said, where ever you bring your heart, take your brain with you.
Soon To Be Goodbye
By now I’m sure everyone who has been following up with my posts are probably sick and tired of reading about my most recent break up. Well, this post is no different.
For a while now I’ve been thinking about going away for a bit. But it isn’t as simple as it sounds. I mean, it could be if I disregard everything and everyone but me. Pack my stuff, fly out somewhere and promise never to return until I’m “better”. Cut my connections with my old life and start a new one. Wouldn’t that be an adventure. But I know I’d be hurting a lot of people if I did that. Eventually my family would probably just assume that I have died.
Which leads me to my theory. Not really a theory, more like a plan. There has to be another way where I can go somewhere, be away from here and still not hurt anyone. At least not hurt anyone like I would if I just pack up and go without a single word to anyone. So I’ve decided to apply for two completely different fields that would allow me to be away from here and have a life I suppose? I decided to try and join the army and also apply to become a flight attendant.
I have spent the last two weeks consulting with people who are in the army, and asking them how I can apply and such. I’ve already taken the first step and I have read so much things involved. It’s a long process trying to join the army but at least I have taken the first step. I can make a whole list about the benefits of joining the army like the high pay, getting paid to go to school, free education, complete benefit coverage and such. Not to mention being able to retire after 25 years. That’s if I make it 25 years. I get it, I can get sent somewhere and actually die. But what is death to someone who has tried to kill himself at least once already. As far as I’m concerned, death doesn’t scare me at all. It’s the pain I would inflict to the few that I love that’s keeping me here. So it must mean that I still value my life. Anyways the army is looking like a pretty good idea right now. Hopefully (not that I care) people wouldn’t think I’m using this to run away from my problems, because I’m not. This could help me a lot and who knows maybe even help me create myself.
Now I don’t know the first thing about being a flight attendant also. I have mildly tried in the past to try and apply for positions, but I just never had any luck. If I became a flight attendant, I will legit have a reason to see the world. I mean, I know it won’t start like that. I’m sure I’ll only be flying domestically, but eventually I plan to move up. While that’s happening I can earn money, and be away from “home”. Maybe here I can discover what it is I’m really looking for.
Anyways, whichever one comes knocking on my door first, I’ll be sure to take. Which means, if I do end up taking one of these jobs, that I will no longer be as active. I could still try but I really don’t think I would have the energy to post about my life. So folks, this isn’t goodbye yet, but rather, soon to be goodbye. Until then, I’m probably still going to write about my daily bullshit.
Unexpected Visit
About a month ago my aunt found an old Christmas card one of my previous exes had given her and she quickly handed it to me. We had a subtle laugh about it, reminiscing about the past. This lead me to email him. I debated for a while but I just decided to email him because prior to my aunt finding that card, I was thinking about him, him and my other exes. I was having one of those days where I was thinking about what I could have done differently with all the guys I’ve been with, all the what ifs, and the things I could have changed so that my past relationships would have worked out or at least would have lasted longer. Anyways for the past month we have been exchanging emails, nothing special, just your casual hello and what have you been up to. His messages were actually quite bitter, you could tell, but I can’t blame him because of our history. Things didn’t really end well. Anyways he came to visit me at home just last night and it wasn’t what I expected.
A part of me thought that he would try to do something (sexual) with me because why else would someone come over 1 in the morning. But when we got to my room, he sat on my couch and I sat on my bed. From there we just spent the next two hours talking. Talking about the past, the present and even some of my future. He even had the audacity to lecture me about the things I’m doing wrong now and what I could be doing instead. It was one of those “sweet” conversations, but it was one of those, real ones.
It was very refreshing seeing him, hearing from him and just being with him. I can tell he hasn’t changed much, but that isn’t really a bad thing. I’m assuming that he noticed a lot has changed about me, not just physically but altogether as a person as well. He gave me some advice and some judgement actually. He called me stupid maybe twice, because I had told him just a few of the things I have gone through. I agreed with him wholeheartedly.
He didn’t really have to say it but I know somewhere deep down that a piece of him still cares about him. Though he’s just another reminder that I somehow screwed us up when we could of had something good. But I regret nothing. Cause had I stayed with him, I might not have met my most recent ex. Although I can’t completely admit I’m bitter about the whole situation still, I still, without a doubt, am very much grateful I had him in my life.
We ended the night with one big hug. He still smells the same. How nostalgic. I hope that we do see each other again, who knows, maybe even become really good friends.
Dear Me
Stop and think for a second. Why is it that you feel it’s so hard to be alone? Why are you constantly on the search for your “true love”. Don’t give me that, I’m not looking, I’m waiting bullshit. Why do you always have to look for someone to take care of you?
Well, I don’t like feeling alone.
Then don’t? Are you telling me that only a boyfriend or significant other can make you feel loved? You have tons of friends, more importantly you have family. Spend time with them. If you don’t want to hang out with your family then go out and meet you new friends and hang out with your old friends. There are a lot of ways so that you wouldn’t feel alone. Socialize more. Keep blogging! Just like this one right now.
I get jealous when I see my friends or siblings with their significant other.
You think they don’t get jealous of you? When you were with your ex, didn’t you get slightly jealous of your single friends? No one will admit it but we often want what we don’t have. Yes, there are things single people have or can do that couples don’t have or can do. There is always pros and cons to being single and being in a relationship. You just need to stop thinking about the negative. Look at the bright side of things. Think of all the things a single guy like you can do or should do. Use this time to do what you want.
But I like being spoiled.
Grow the fuck up. Spoil yourself. You have a job. It’s time you work hard for the things you want. Trust me, there are a lot of people around you who has a lot less than you even where you are right now in your life. Stand on your own two feet. You tell yourself you want a family. How the hell do you plan to have a family if you feel like you can’t even give yourself what you want.
There’s nothing you can do with your boyfriend that you can’t do with your friends or family. Except maybe have sex, but you can find sex pretty much anywhere now a days. Trust me, knowing you, you won’t have a problem getting some. If you want to travel around the world then do it with your friends. At least when you look to the things you’ve done, you can tell your grandkids that you did those things with your friends and not an ex.
You’re so young, you are just turning 24 this year. Finish school. Get a better job. Get a car. You can have all those in a few years. Once you have all of those, you can worry about your finding a boyfriend or a husband. You have so much time. Right now, it should be about you. Create yourself. Stop looking, stop waiting. And if by any chance your guy comes while you are discovering the world and creating yourself, then perfect.
You have so much potential. Don’t give guys so much power that they can destroy a part of you if or when they leave you. Build yourself until you’re strong enough. Build yourself until you have a lot, so much that even when your next love leaves you, that you will still have a lot left for you.
Learn from this first heart break. You were literally left with nothing. Inside and out. I will be the first to tell you that - that is shameful. Get your life together. Sleep around if you want to, just be safe lol. My point is, think about yourself for now, for the next few years. Prioritize your shit. Get it together. Don’t worry too much about being lonely and being sad and single. Embrace being single.
Plus who knows. You might think that your ex was the best thing that had ever happened to you, but for God sakes, that’s what you thought for every single ex you had. Who knows, maybe someone better will come? Someone who can give you all the things you want. The one who will also take care of you emotionally and who will actually think about your happiness and not just the materialistic part.
You’re doing good so far. Keep it up.
Independence & Strength
This is it, I honestly thought this day would never come. The day that I’d be able to write about what happened without breaking down. But with all the amazing people I have around me, it became possible.
Living with someone for almost a year, you can imagine the pain one goes through after breaking up. To make matters worse you know that deep down you still loved each other very much. But why break up if the love was still there? I too asked this question after making the decision. At first I was hurt and confused but I knew that it was the right decision.
You see, I didn’t realize this until now but there was something I really wanted, something I felt slightly deprived of and the beautiful part of this was, he knew this and still did the right thing even if it meant the both of us would get hurt for a little while. Don’t get me wrong, separating ways made me realize that I too deprived him of a lot of things.
The days following the break up was tough, the nights were even worst. I would hold my phone and have his text messages open, contemplating on what to do, what to say, and there were two nights that I gave in and dialed his number. I knew I would regret it in the morning but I did it anyways. I was ready to sacrifice some of the things that would make me happy just to have him back. Which I urge everyone to not ever do. But even during the break up it was him who gave me the strength to get through it.
Every day, every night, it got easier, not by a lot, but it got easier. Centimeter by centimeter I moved on. Until now I still think about him, the things we did, the places we seen, the friendship I made because of him and the friendship and family he made because of me. Most of them were severed away along with my relationship with him.
I was extremely bitter for a while, trying to blame him, trying to blame myself for what had happened. But I guess there’s nothing wrong with that. I was trying to seek comfort whether it was the right way to do it or not. But weeks has passed and now I’m a lot less bitter. If anything, the minute I wake up, I’m still grateful for all the things we did share together. and the things he has given me, from the smallest to the most intangible things.
I often thought of things that would hurt me, like the day I would run into him and he would be with someone else. It use to hurt me a lot, enough for me to break down in the subway, inside a friend’s car, at home, at work, pretty much anywhere. But now I think about that scenario and I can sincerely say that one day I do hope that he finds someone who could love him better, who would love him the way he loved me, because he does deserve that. Although it’s a painful thought and a huge fucking pill to swallow, I wasn’t able to do that for him.
I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t be able to handle living without him and this is probably the biggest lesson I learned. I can and I will. I don’t ever want to be in a relationship where someone has that much power over me. Where I would literally be left with nothing should be part ways. I want a partner, someone equal to me, not above or less than me. I want to be able to stand on my own two crooked feet. Because how the hell can I catch someone falling for me when I’m paralyze myself. Independence. That’s something I’m striving for.
I never did understand how people can say they love someone and they will always love them despite of what happened to them. Now I do. I may not be his boyfriend or future husband, but I’d like to think that somewhere down the road we will cross paths again, and maybe his kids and my kids will be friends. We may not have the same type of love for each other but for what the guy has shown me the year we were together, he’s made an everlasting impact in my life.
He’s my first love, and I use to cry over the fact that it was over, but I’m beginning to see that tiny shred of light at the end of the tunnel. He has made me happy, he has made me mad, he has made me sad and all of that is enough for me to learn from, to be a better person for that one true love, that last love.
I’m not saying I’m a completely different person after what I had gone through, but I’m definitely taken the first step and that usually is the hardest.
Despite all the pain this has caused, it was somewhat a blessing in disguise. The bridges that I once burned are now being rebuilt. I’ve also started building new bridges and I’m glad I’ve learned to choose my friends wisely this time. I’m sure he would want me to. My school is going well for me too! To be honest, my success is partially his accomplishments as well, and I hope he knows that, cause I do.
I know I’m not ready yet but I promise one day I will be. I may be closing my door to him for now, but he knows he has the keys. He is welcome to come in anytime but I think he would prefer me standing by the door welcoming him in. I really hope this made sense.
Great Day!
Maybe it was because of the status I posted this morning around 4:30 am, that no matter what happens I was going to be happy today; that no one or nothing will ruin my day. Because of this, I really did have an amazing day!
I went to class, a class where I had failed a our first exam with a 9.5/20 score. Yes it’s horrible, I really didn’t study much for it. Not to mention that exam was worth 20% of our final grade. The following week we were given an assignment that was worth 15% so I knew I had to do really well on it in order to bring up my over all mark. To my surprise I had scored a perfect score. I was really happy about this. The assignment tested our reading and writing skills and our understanding skills so I think I was within my comfort zone. When it comes to writing I’d like to think that I can submit what would suffice to most teachers. Anyways I was, am really happy about this, I know he would be too.
Then after school I had met up with an old friend, a friend whom I thought I would never talk to. I can even recall swearing to all that’s mighty that I wouldn’t talk to her. But what do you know, a bridge that was once burned, now being rebuilt. I’m sure her and I will have our moment but I think after several years of not talking that we both have done some growing up. I really miss this bitch. I’m so happy she is back in my life.
Then my nephew is staying with me for a few days :D This couldn’t get any better!
So this break up isn’t all that pretty, but I really am glad that there are so many good things coming out of this. I’ve mentioned this before but I feel like this is forcing me to grow up a little, and I’m learning to appreciate my surroundings more, and also taking a giant leap to understanding myself. Fixing broken bonds with old friends and even my family. (My mom actually texts me asking me how I am doing, she never used to do this!). For the first time in the last few weeks I sleep with a smile on my face.
I want to make a whole new post about the good things that came into my life since the break up but for now I just really want to focus on what happened TODAY. Happy day indeed.
Birthday Wish
Well, it’s that time of the year again. My birthday is nearly here and if I put on my materialistic thinking cap on, there is really only one thing I want. My very own SLR Camera. I’ve always put it off because I keep telling myself that my money can go else where. But I look around and I see that I don’t have much to show for the things I “spent” my money on. So, for the next little while, I’m going to be a total prude when it comes to spending so that I can save up for this bad boy.
This camera will be more than just a camera. It’s that thing I will invest so much time on. Once I master it, it’ll be my bestfriend. I will capture the beautiful aspect of everyone. Everyone.
Lego
The last few weeks has been tremendously difficult. I didn’t know how I was going to overcome yet another hurdle in my life. But I did, or I am. You see, my first real relationship has ended recently. I’m not afraid to admit that this was my first serious relationship because everything and everyone I’ve dated before him was simply a pebble. What is a pebble to a boulder?
Now before you sit there and assume that what I meant by the previous paragraph was that the guys were not good enough for me, well, that isn’t a fair statement. You see, I’m also not afraid to admit that I had a lot of shortcomings and I’m pretty sure I’m the reason why those relationships in the past did not work out. Back then I got bored easily and flee at the first sight of hardship. I was scared and weak. You can even say I was immature, even now.
I’ve heard the line several times, from different high profiled role models, to endless number of songs, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Yeah yeah, it’s so cliche, but it’s also very true. This is my first break up so you can imagine the magnitude of the pain I went through. Not that breakups gets easier the more you get them, I just think that the first breakup is harder the ones comes after because you have no experience on how to deal with such pain. It’s like a fucking blackhole inside your chest, eating away any form of happiness you could possibly feel.
During the first week of my breakup, nothing or no one mattered to me, not even myself. I never felt anything like it before. How could something make you feel so high and in just a matter of seconds you lay flat on the ground, drowning in your own blood and regrets. The worst part is, it doesn’t kill you, it keeps you there, hanging by a thread, making sure you feel every bit of pain possible. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t function. I was surprised I was able to remind myself to breathe. But with that said, I always knew I was a thought away from death.
Of course it crossed my mind. You see, one thing many people don’t know about me, and I guess I should just admit it now, here on Tumblr, where most of you will probably judge after reading, is that I have a rather suicidal mentality. With that said, I really don’t give a fuck about much things. When I hit that low point, I see nothing but death. My scapegoat. My answer.
But I’m here, typing. Which means I’m making my way through this difficult bullshit. I slowly dug myself out of the hell hole and I’m beginning to think clearly. I’m in school, I have a job which I love because of the people I work with, I have a family and I have great friends, not to mention I made amazing new ones. Hell, I’m not that old so I’m pretty sure I still have a lot to go through before actually having a cup of coffee with God. These are just some of the things I remind myself so that I could keep going.
I made it through other hardships in my life, even though I almost slipped away a few times, I still made it through. A broken heart will not be the reason my heart stops beating. I refuse.
But, with all that’s been said and done, there are many things I can take away from this breakup. I definitely gained a new perspective in life. Not to mention a battle scar that will be a constant reminder of the shit I went through and the shit I will fucking avoid. All in all I think this breakup is making me into a better person. Someone wiser. Someone more mature.
So maybe breaking down isn’t all that bad. It just gives you a reason to slowly pick up the pieces and build something new, something bigger, something better. You don’t even have to pick it all up by yourself. I’m sure my friends and family would gladly pick up a piece and help me build a new me. Yes, someone will come in your life who could possibly tear it down again, but that’s okay. It’s okay to be a mess for a bit, but just remember, you just gotta build yourself up again, piece by piece. You don’t need to rush. For me I think that’s what life is all about. Putting pieces pieces together, even when they don’t fit at times, you just gotta pick up a piece and put yourself together.
I’m Not A Secret
Tonight as I waited for my bus to come I was enlightened by a couple. At first I thought that I would get sad or worst, even cry at the sight of a happy couple. But as I stood there, watching them closely like a mother to a child, I slowly began to understand my feelings. I wasn’t sad because I no longer had someone to call mine like the couple that was in front of me. I was jealous. No, not because I was lonely. I was jealous because I didn’t have what they have. That pride.
I think back about my relationships in the past and what it was, and although I can say it was a lot of (good) things, it also wasn’t a lot of things I wanted it to be. Particularly, I’ve never really had anyone who was proud to have me. I’ve never had anyone who felt the need to brag about me or even better, to introduce me to their family. I realize that maybe that is my fault. That I have a lot of shortcomings and/or flaws that no one really wants to introduce me all their friends or to their family. I’ve taken that into consideration which why now I am more inspired to improve myself. Be a better person all together. So that maybe, just maybe, someday, someone will come and realize who I am and tell me that I’m good enough, I’m good enough for all their friends to know. I’m good enough for their family. I’m good enough for them.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I have an issue with closeted guys, I simply want to be with someone who is comfortable with their own skin. You can both be closeted and yet comfortable enough to hold my hand from time to time. Not being so frantic as soon as you suspect someone is watching us.
I don’t ever want to be just trapped within the walls of “our” home. I don’t want to just be ourselves in front of certain friends. I want to be able to be gay in front of everyone. I don’t want to be someone’s secret love story. I want to be someone’s epic love story. So epic that the we wouldn’t mind if the world would know about it.
Bitter Sweet
I didn’t think it was possible to let go of someone and still love them wholeheartedly. Then again, maybe I knew it was, I just didn’t understand how. How could you possibly let go of someone you love?
There was a time in my life that I was exhausted, exhausted and lost. But in the midst of it all, you managed to come into my life and gave it a story. A story to be told, a story to be envied.
This past year has been inconceivably unbelievable. One could not begin to fathom just how one person pulled the heavens down for me. There I entered, there I lived for a year.
There’s many things I learned from this, things I’m forever grateful for. My gratitude, the debt I owe to you could never be repaid. Although it’s extremely painful right now, I know that what we have decided to do is for the best. For once I know what it means to be selfless. For once, I know what it’s like to put the person you love first.
I love you babe, and I hope that we both come out of this as better people, for whoever comes in our lives next. Whether we are meant to be for each other or not, I am so thankful to have had you in my life. Thank you for loving not just me but my family. You showed them nothing but your heart.
Good luck with everything.
There are days I can’t bring myself to admit that I’m selfish and needy, a synonym of a bratty princess. With this very reason, it’s so easy for me to get upset or become this person I myself dislike. I lay in bed contemplating and during this process I came to a realization, or a question, depending how you look at it; how the hell do I still have people around me, who cares so much about me. Aware of my A+ effort in pushing people away, I couldn’t possibly figure out why.
Yesterday I snuggled beside my boyfriend in bed. Luxuriating in the fact that a boy lays beside me whom I first experienced unconditional love from. I pull myself as close to him as one could possibly be. My face absorbed by the comfort of his chest and my leg constricted around his. I asked him, “Would you ever leave me?” I guess I knew the answer to this but I wanted to hear it from him anyways. His hug got tighter and without missing a beat, he firmly said, “No”. I followed the question a moment later and asked, “What if I become irrational or unreasonable or hard to deal with?”
He loosened his arms just so he can pull my face up and tell me, “All I need to do is wait.” He didn’t have to say much for me to understand exactly what he meant. No one could possibly fathom just how much I love this person. His strength and faith in me never cease to amaze me. It may take some time but I do my best to always do the right thing in the end, and to realize that you have someone who believes that, it’s phenomenal.
So I have but one thing left to say,
I love you more than food [sometimes] Jeyo (my bubba). ^^
Happy 7th Month.
Before You [07.03.12]
Before you I didn’t know what it was like to want somebody so bad. More importantly, I didn’t know what it was like to need somebody. You’ve made such a difference in my life that for the first time, I was actually scared. Scared that I wasn’t going to be okay if you weren’t around. But even then, you taught me how to be strong, stronger. You made me understand that no matter what, I would be okay. Sometimes I still get scared of the amount of faith you have in me. Anyways, it’s probably not a big deal but, I just wanted to say that… I love you.
