We all have that friend we lost communication because of God knows for whatever reason. We then take it uon ourself to try and rebuild that bridge that once stood so strong. But for some reason the person from the other side of the bridge isn’t really reciprocating.

Well fuck it. It’s obvious that I’m trying, or in some cases, tried. If you don’t want my friendship that’s fine. But when the time comes that you need a friend and no one else is there, just remember this moment, the moment you fucked up the second time around.

I can only meet you in the middle, I’m not one to hold someone’s hand and pull you to my direction. You have to be willing to walk beside me.

05.04.12 Friday

I woke up and did my last minute studies for my driver’s permit exam. I spent maybe a total of 3-4 hours of studying for this test. It’s quite pathetic that at the age of 23 I have yet to do this test. In all honesty, I already acquired my permit but I lost it 3 years ago in Cuba. I was just simply too lazy to replace it. All this time I thought it expired so I assumed I had to take it again. My boyfriend and I drove to the place where you do the test and waited maybe 30 - 45 minutes before they called my number. Just my luck, it turns out my licence is still valid and just need to be replaced. So, I didn’t have to take the test. The lady redirects us to Services Ontario, about 7 minute drive from where we were. There we stood for almost an hour before I was called up. 

As soon as I finished dealing with my permit, we decided to eat sushi. Coincidentally, a bunch of my old co workers were also there celebrating someone’s baby shower. It was such a shock running into them, especially a lot of them all at once. Although the time wasted standing and waiting for my number to be called up, I’m glad I got my permit replaced and ran into nostalgic faces. 

The real fun began when my boyfriend dropped me off at my mother’s. There I chilled with my brother and his girlfriend for a few hours before we had to go upstairs to our friend’s apartment and drink. You see, that night was also the night my brother threw his birthday party with friends. We had a DJ, a tub full of alcohol, cake and chinese food. Though it was unfortunate my boyfriend couldn’t come due to the fact he had to fix something at work. I was suppose to see him the next day when he picked me up but I just didn’t feel “okay” with sleeping without him. Luckily around 1:30 in the morning my boyfriend began to feel tired from his own party, he couldn’t work up the nerve to leave his own party so, he used me. I asked him if it was okay for him to drive all the way to Etobicoke (where I live with my boyfriend) and fortunately, he said yes. He got to leave his party early and I got to sleep with my boyfriend. 

05.05.12 Saturday

My boyfriend and I went to bed pretty late, maybe around 2 am or so. Seven hours from then we would have to wake up and cook breakfast. A few friends of ours decided to plan a brunch date over at our place. My boyfriend and I love guests over, no matter what time, okay maybe not super early in the morning. Although, this was something different, we don’t normally have guests over for brunch, in fact, I doubt we even go to anyone’s house for brunch. Anyways we woke up around 9 am, we started cooking, cleaning the place a bit and took our early morning shower. 

We finished brunch around 10:30 am and watched a foreign gay film together. We were really into the movie (I was glad because I picked it). We had to leave around 12:30 because our real movie started at 1 am. We watched The Avengers and holy shit, it is worth watching over and over until you get sick of it. The humour, the action, the story line, how they were all connected was simply flawless. You must see it.

After the movies we had to separate ways from our friends and pick up my sister. Then we headed to the mall to exchange her dress, unfortunately that didn’t go well. After the mall we headed back to Scarborough (where my mom and brother lives).  We headed to Mandarin (Chinese buffet restaurant) for my brothers family get together. It was good spending time with the family and eating fatty, somewhat disgusting food. 

As soon as we finished eating we all headed to my moms place. There we continued the laughing and making a complete mess at my moms. I’m sure she is glad we are gone now, haha.

05.06.12 Sunday

My boyfriend and I drove to some remote area and I he gave me driving lessons. I was on two main roads today. Awesome! Can’t wait to be driving on my own.

The years I grew up in the Philippines, you can probably count the times my father was within proximity. Thinking back now, I can barely recall any memories I shared with my dad. The times I do remember, they aren’t exactly what you’d call happy memories.

I was always jealous of my cousins, even though they’d get yell at by their dads I was still envious that they had a dad. A dad that was there to right their wrongs, to teach them things, to buy them things, to just see them grow up. I often turned to God and asked, what do I have? Who do I have?

That question lead me to seek a father figure else where. I sought it from my grandfathers, from my brother. My brother who was only a year older than me probably taught me more than my own father did. Where was he? Where was my father during all this? Did he value his alcohol and “babes” more than his own children? Maybe I was just too young to remember the things he did for me? Maybe he was actually there but I just wasn’t aware. 

Regardless, I spent so many years holding this resentment towards him. The ugly part is, he knew this and he had so many opportunities to make it up not just to me, but all his kids. But instead, he chooses his bad habits. My mom says I can’t blame him, it’s all he has known. His life revolved around alcohol. Living in the Philippines such habit was not uncommon.  But you know what, I still blame him. I blame him that I have this much anger in me. I blame him for never being there for me and my siblings. I blame him that I learned to stand on my own without my fathers help.

No. Fuck blaming him. I thank him because I’m strong. I thank him because I know who not to be. I thank him because I know what is wrong and what is right. I thank him because I know what would become of me if I walked the same path. I thank him because I will know how to love my children. I will know how to raise them. I thank him because for what he did and didn’t do, molded me to whom I became today.

Today my boyfriend and I celebrate our one month anniversary. People tend to judge and say all kinds of things like, “oh that’s not that long yet”, “shouldn’t you count the years not months?”, and so forth. To be honest, I want to celebrate everyday I have with my boyfriend. Because no one knows what’s going to happen tomorrow. Maybe we will still be together, maybe we wont, that’s why I want to celebrate everyday with him.

With that said, we went to Walmart to pick up some groceries for a dinner we are hosting tomorrow. We also got our passport photo taken in Walmart, it only took 10 minutes. As we were paying for the photos, a mother and her three kids walked in. It seemed as the older was around 11 year old boy, followed by a 9 or 10 year old boy and lastly, the youngest, a 5 year old girl. I’m going to assume that they were going to take their passport photos taken as well.

Kindly waiting behind us, the cashier made a funny remark regarding our photos. My boyfriend and I laughed with her. Then my boyfriend added on to the joke and the laughter just escalated. I’m usually careful with PDA’s but at the spur of the moment, I reached in towards my boyfriends face and gave him a quick kiss. My boyfriend, as well as I, was shocked by this. I noticed his eyes widened and so did mine. I pulled away as fast as I could and hoped no one else saw.

“Do you mind? That’s disgusting and there are children around.” I turned around and just before I could say anything, one of the kids shocked me.

“You kiss daddy, is that disgusting?” The 11 year old boy said.

“That’s different honey, I’m a girl and daddy’s a boy.” The mother replied.

“Sean is a boy, I kiss him sometimes. So is Max.” The boy looked at his younger brother.

“That’s different, Sean is your brother and Max is your pet.” The mom was starting to get aggravated by her son and she remained calm.

“My teacher said there’s different kinds of love, you and daddy is the parent kind right? Sean, Ruby and I are the brother and sister kind right? Max and I are the pet kind right? So maybe that’s their kind of love?”

I was completely stunned by the turn of events, I was left speechless but I managed to send the kid a smile. My brother reached for my hand and held it.

“Here’s your photos, have a great day you guys, come again.” The cashier said.

We thanked her and went to get our cart just beside the family. I excused myself but the lady didn’t seem to care and walked right into me and started to talk to the cashier.

“Can you believe that? People these days” The mother gave us a quick sneer. Was again, I was shocked by what happened next.

“You’re right, I can’t believe it, that people can be so ignorant and so judgmental.” Somehow I knew the cashier was directing it at the lady. The lady knew as well.

“Whatever, Can I just get my passport photo taken so I can get out of here.” The mother said, pulling her son closer to her away from us, as if we had something contagious.

“Unfortunately, I cannot take your picture due to the fact that you are wearing white, they don’t allow whites because it blend it with the background.” The cashier stated.

“That’s okay, I have a blazer.” The mother said in relief.

Just she was about to put on her jacket and my boyfriend and I still trying to collect our things and arrange them properly, the camera drops on the floor making a loud bang. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

“I’m so sorry miss, this is our only camera, I have to send it in to get fixed.” There is another Walmart just 5 miles away.” The cashier said this with a hint of smile on her face.

I can only imagine the frustration of the lady, she managed to go through the door before us and left the store in a hurry. We can almost hear her curse under hear breath. That’s when the cashier walked towards us and said,

“I’m sorry about that, you guys are beautiful together and don’t let anyone else make you think otherwise.”

“Thank you so much, I’m sorry about your camera.” I told her.

“That’s alright, we have plenty in the back, plus I doubt this one is broken.” She ended with a smile. Then a laughter. Shocked, we joined in the laughter and went on our way. Thanking her one last time and made our exit. In my head, I was also thanking that kid that stood up for us, I pray to God to bless that child all his life.

It’s the oldest story in the world. One day you’re seventeen and planning for sunday. And then quietly, without you ever really noticing. Someday is today and then someday is yesterday, and this is your life.

We spend so much time wanting, pursuing, wishing, but ambition is good. Chasing things with integrity is good. Dreaming.

If you had a friend you knew you’d never see again, what would you say? If you could do one last thing for someone you love, what would it be? Say it, do it, don’t wait. Nothing lasts forever.

Mak a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true.

You never know where the next miracle can come from. The next memory. The next smile. The next wish come true.

But if you believe that it’s right around the corner. You open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you were wishing for.

The world is full of magic. you just have to believe in it.

So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart.

-One Tree Hill

For some people a vacation means going on a trip, drinking till we pass out, or shop all day. I wonder if I’m the only one who thinks a vacation is something I can do to have a piece of mind. I mean, if my life is normally busy and hectic, I really wouldn’t mind having a few days of doing absolutely nothing but sleep and eat. The luxury of not having to reach over my alarm clock to turn it off. The soothing feeling when nothing is due for school or work. I can be at home and being able to leave the dishes unwashed, the laundry piling up, as long as I have that I-don’t-give-a-fuck feeling. That piece of mind we find in different places, I think for me that is what I call a vacation.

Hell, sometimes it’s that time I have when I don’t have to worry about my girlfriend/boyfriend/family/ or anyone.

Let me start by saying one of the most cliche lines. I, am not perfect. No one is, and no one will ever be perfect. With that said, we know that mistakes are inevitable. We will make them, it’s only a matter of time, and whether we learn from it or not. Ultimately that’s what mistake is, something we do unintentionally so that we may learn from it, alas becoming better individuals because of it.

As much as I try to be the better person, to be the bigger person, there are times in my life where I want to say screw my principles and morals. Screw everything, at this moment I don’t want to be the mature one. I’m going to hurt you and I’m going to hurt you bad. I’m tired of being the guy who does the right thing, sometimes I want to be the guy who gets even. 

A single thought, a single action, that’s all it takes for peoples idea of you to change drastically. All those times you did the right thing, gone down the drain. Why? Because you choose to push back instead of walking away as the bigger person like what everyone says you should be. Well, fuck you.

I’m tired of your shit, I’m tired of over looking your monstrosity. Just for you, I’m going to put my “better person armor” back on the shelf. Just for you, I’m going to be worst than the bad guy. Just for you, I’m going to be not only the guy that gets even, but the guys that will take more from you than you did from me. You want to know the beauty of it all? I’m going to enjoy every cynical moment.

I don’t know if it’s gay guys in general or just the ones here in Toronto but it seems to me that the general population of the homosexuals here in my town has the attention span of four year old. Our new toy will only last for so long until we see a different, new and shiny toy at the store. That’s exactly what we make ourselves to be, toys.

We are all toys from the same store. Everyone knows everyone. Everyone wants to play with everyone. Everyone has or will play with everyone. Some of us has gotten really good at the game, some of us are left on the shelf, watching other toys have all the glory while they grow old and collect dust.

Some of us had that 15 minutes of fame, when we were the biggest hit in the store, everyone wanted to buy us and play with us. We think we are the shit, we unconsciously treat other toys is if they’re below us. We take advantage of our promotion that we try and get with the toys that can’t help but want us, to be with us, or to be us in general. We loose sight of things and don’t realize that as toys, we were meant to spread happiness upon those who wish to want us. It isn’t uncommon that some of us exactly know what we are doing, but choose not to care, why? Because we are the hottest toy right now and we can do anything we want.

Over time, being in the same store, every toy will have gotten to know everyone. Every toy has a story with other toys. Epidemically, every toy will know each and everyone. It goes without saying, once you played with one toy, you have played with all the toys. Sad, but true.

Friendship between toys is one unpredictable bitch. One minute two toys are bestfriends, the next, they are mortal enemies, and vise-versa. Everything in the store happens really fast, changes happen so fast it’s almost troublesome, not annoying, but troublesome to keep up with it. Today you hear toy A is with toy B, tomorrow you will hear tomorrow B is on the next shelf with toy C. Watch out bitches, I hear toy C is also playing with toy D, E, and F. 

Now, I’m not saying that I’m better than any of these other toys, because I’m not. But what I can say is that I had the necessities to realize the system in the store. I guess some can call it wisdom, but for sure, some will call it a tactic. ;) I will leave that up to you. 

For some, it only takes one look, others take quite a while before realizing it. Whatever the case is, at the end of it all, it is what we make of it. For some of us, we may never know what love truly is. Nevertheless there are those that never stop searching for it. The undying desire to be with someone, and sometimes, just to be with anyone as long as the title is there.

When it comes to love, my knowledge and personal experience is very limited. I don’t think I’ve ever felt it before apart from my family. Yes, I had dated and been with people, but all of that seem so generic to me. I guess I did enjoy their company and care a lot for all of them, but I’m not sure if I’d call any of them love.

I’m with my boyfriend now and we have been seeing each other for about a month now. Things are good, really good. I don’t know how to explain or put into words exactly what I feel about him, but I do know some things. I feel like I would rather hurt myself first than see him hurt. I feel like for the first time in my life I’m scared to lose someone. I feel as if we are slowly, no, quickly going over the phase of wanting each other and now reaching the point of needing each other. 

I’m happy. Scared. Paranoid. This may not be love, who knows, but it’s sure as hell real to me. Real is something most people don’t even have if you think about it.

Whether it’s with a person, place, or thing, we all have that connection that is often hard to define. It can be with a family member, a friend, a toy, an event, the possibilities is truly endless. It’s the feeling you get when you reconnect with these things that reminds you of everything, good and bad, that you once shared. 

An example is a song I used to listen to endlessly in my room several years ago. Then all of the sudden I hear that same song, I quickly find myself back in my room, doing whatever I was doing back then, listening to the same song. The minor details suddenly become clear to me like my glass of water that sat on my desk, paperwork that piled up from school and sometimes even the date.

Then there are people in your past you’d thought you’d never see again. Then, boom! You run into him in a grocery store, or he adds you on Facebook. Memories and emotions come rushing up from the depths of your gut. 

Out of no where the cartoon show you use to watch as a kid comes on the television. You think back and realize just how much things have changed. How your innocence left you without you even realizing it. How life was simple then. That, or how sucky the graphics back then were compared to what we have now.

Once you make a connection with something or someone, is it really possible to erase that? Even if you were given a thousand years, would your body and mind allow you to extinguish such thoughts and emotions?

WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS

Firstly, everyone needs to get over the fact that the book is so much better than the movie, that is expected. Movies will never ever do the books any justice, why? Because as we read books we go by OUR imagination, where WE see it OUR way. Also, books are way too detailed and movies have a limited time, it’s sometimes impossible to get everything onto the screen. There are dozens of other reasons as to why books will always be better in its own way. There are also legal and ethical reasons as to why details from the books can not be transferred onto the screen, so get the fuck over it people. We already know the book is better.

Now, with that said, I personally enjoyed watching The Hunger Games. Needless to say, changes were made and this is a personal list as to the changes that stuck to me the most.

1. The Mockingjay Pin: In the book Madge (the daughter of District 12’s Mayor) gives Katniss the pin. Now Madge doesn’t play a big role but I believe her role was still very significant, at least the story behind the Mockingjay pin. The Mockingjay pin was originally owned by Madge’s aunt, her mother’s twin sister who also was bestfriends with  Katniss’ mom. This is explained in the 2nd or 3rd book, I forget. This Mockingjay pin plays a very big role if not the biggest role in the uprising of the Districts. In the movie, she simply bought or was given to her by the shop keeper she sold her game to. I was a bit disappointed about this but I guess the important thing is she still has the pin.
2. Rue’s Death: I pictured this to be more dramatic and epic and I had hoped they would have put more emphasis on her death, but in the movie her death happened quite fast. Although there was some emotion there that made me grip my boyfriend’s hand as the scene played, I still had hoped just for a tad bit more. Plus Rue’s death happened slightly different in my head when I read the book, I mean with the details the book had I thought the movie would have gotten it right. Plus, where was the damn bread?!?! Nevertheless, it was okay.
3. Cato’s Death: I really didn’t mind the change of setting and to be honest I kind of like this change that was made in the movie. it was probably the only part in the movie I had no idea how it would play out. Him having Peeta’s head in a lock and ready to snap his neck, I rather enjoyed that scene.
4. The Mutts: I was expecting them to have some kind of resemblance to the dead tributes but the mutts looked like your ordinary four-legged beast. More like an over grown pit bull.

There were other minor changes but these are the only ones that stood out to me or that I really cared about. Even though these changes were made I was still happy about how the movie turned out. Although I can’t imagine how the people who didn’t read the books would feel about the movie, cause to be honest, I feel like the movie was so boring and plain in the beginning.

With all that’s been said and done, I would give this movie an 8/10.

I made breakfast early this morning for my boyfriend and my bestfriend who had slept over. As soon as I finished cooking, I ran up to my boyfriend to wake him up around 7:00 am, now I know he was tired considering he didn’t get home from one of his friend’s birthday party until 1 in the morning. He fell asleep maybe around 2 in the morning. But due to my selfishness, I was bored being awake by myself so I tried to wake him up, he told me politely to wake him up in 30 minutes. An hour had passed and he still didn’t wake up, our breakfast went cold so I just decided to hop on to bed beside him and sleep. I was a bit upset because I wanted to eat breakfast with him but he couldn’t wake up. When he finally did, he tried to make me go down with him to eat, I retaliated by being a complete snob. I ignored him and told him that breakfast is cold and I had already eaten by myself. He apologized repeatedly as he got ready to go to church with his parents.

When he finished showering and getting he tried one last time to apologize to me for not eating breakfast with him due to the fact that he didn’t get enough sleep and that he was tired. Here I was, being such a Princess still played my pride card and continued to ignore him even until he had left the house. I fell asleep and I knew he would be back in an hour or two from church. I woke up 4 hours later to find a note taped on our closet door, once again apologizing. I read it and instantly felt guilty for being so selfish and for being such a Princess. I made such a big deal over missing breakfast with me when I clearly knew he lacked sleep that night and that I was simply bored from being awake all night, which was clearly my fault for not sleeping properly.

I was still sleepy so it took me a while to notice the roses and the bear just beside our bed. That’s when my guilt exploded. I got up after realizing he wasn’t back in bed beside me. He was in the next room on the couch sleeping with a tiny blanket. 

I remember a talk we had that if ever we fought, whoever was at fault would sleep on that couch. This guy really is for real. Sometimes I truly wonder as to how anyone could even want to be with me and put up with me.

Friday, March 23rd 2012

Epilogue:
It’s been almost three years since my first time entering the doors of Fly. The first AX event I have ever been to and it was definitely one to remember. Although I don’t remember the details, I do keep on hold the important bits of that night. The music, the lights, the boys, all of it. I wasn’t personally used to the environment of clubbing but with the help of my bestfriend, he helped me with the transition to the night life.

I guess this recent AX made me realized a few things, how much things have changed, people have grown and adapted. How strings that tied people together have been snipped and new ones were made. Three years ago, my friend Philip was showing me the ropes, introducing me to people, places and things, like alcohol. On Friday I find myself in Philip’s shoes. The once so innocent boy now write blogs about clubbing, who knew.

Chapter 1: “A”

On March 23rd 2012, I took A to his first AX. This really isn’t the first time I took someone out clubbing, especially to their ever first gay clubbing. But I figured I should right about this one simply because I see myself in A, the me that was three years ago. Not exactly alike but more or less. I don’t know whether if A should take that as a compliment or not because things can easily be said that he will be just like me three years from now, who knows, and frankly, who cares. All that matters is all the fun he will have in the next few years if he does decide to stay bind to the clubbing scene. 

I suppose the next few lines will come across as arrogant to some of you, and that can’t be helped. Walking in the clubbing, A already had heads turning, once inside, hugs were exchanged between my friends and I. Between the hugs and hello’s whispers entered my ear asking who A was, if he was single or not, what he is into and so on. Clearly his height and muscles brought the boys to the yard. Fresh meat. That’s all I could think of each time someone asked about A. 

Now I’m not going to lie, in the world of the gay scene here in Toronto, people are as shallow as your bathtub to a full grown man. You will be judged faster than you can say fuck you. With that said, not a lot of people experienced the whole “fresh meat” image. A did. That has it’s good and bad side and no matter how much I warn him or try to educate him, it all falls to personal experience. His experience won’t be like mine, our paths won’t be the same one, but if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s the direction it will go.

So to my new sister, here is my parting words to you. I promise that you will have an amazing time dancing your over sized ass on the dance floor. You will meet a lot of people and lose some on the way. No matter what, try to hold on to yourself, the true you, the real you. I’ll be here to slap a bitch or two with you. Go get ‘em bitch.

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Sorry: I would have uploaded pictures from the predrink and reveal A’s real name but I don’t want to step over A’s personal space so he shall remain nameless and faceless until further notice.

A random thought struck me today. What if I can have a do-over? What if I was given a chance to start over, clean, fresh. What if the mistakes I have done in the past was somehow erased. Giving me the opportunity to make better choices and judgements, thus leading to me ultimately making the right decision. Would things be really so much better? There are so many what ifs, but as I think deeper I hadn’t made the mistakes I have in the past? Maybe, I mean it’s possible isn’t? We don’t always have to make mistakes to learn from it. Do we? 

Well, I personally don’t think I would undo anything I have done. Where I am now is because of my choices and mistakes in the past. Maybe in another life time I didn’t make the same mistakes, but I know that means that the other me would not be in the I’m in a more dire place simply because I didn’t take the chances, risks and make the mistakes I did in this life time. 

Who said we need to go back in the past to correct our mistakes? I’m pretty sure God thought about us living in regrets and would give us the opportunity to make things better. I mean, for a guy like me, who is far more impetuous than most people, I tend regret a lot of the things I do. Whether it’s something small like should I have really spent that $5 on a toy? Or something big like, should I really have declined that school offer?

Mistakes, we all make them, it’s inevitable, so even if I was to travel back in the past and undo those mistakes, I’m sure I’m bound to make more, who knows maybe worst mistakes in return would be the exchange. One thing we often forget is that it’s never too late. i mean maybe we can’t completely fix the problem, but I’m sure there is some way we can give back or repair the damage, directly or indirectly.

So would I want that do-over? Hell no. If there are things I need to fix from my past, I’ll fix with my present in hopes of a better future. If I can’t fix it, then fuck it. I’m moving on.

Everyone whom I dated in the past were good to me at some point, mostly when things just started. I guess it’s like that for most people. We get caught up in impressing the other person that we forget what it means to be ourself.

Now it wouldn’t be fair or truthful if I said that this guy whom I am seeing is a prince compared to my exes. They’ve all made me feel special, they all had their imperfections and flaws, so I suppose this one is no different in that aspect. He is just as caring as the rest of them are.

But there is one thing I can say about this one that makes him a far cry from the rest. When I’m with him I’m not scared, I’m not scared to be me. I’m not scared to be this boy who has insecurities. He makes me feel like I can take on the world. I guess I also have my exes to thank, I learned a lot from them, and like a song i heard said, they were all like a northern star, leading me to the right path, or something like that.

I won’t lie, I still have my walls and I guess another thing I like about this guy is that he doesn’t expect me to break it down just like that. He is standing by the wall, waiting for me to tell him where the door is so he can come in.